I believe that I am beginning to believe that I am good enough.
I used to wonder what was wrong with me. I continually used to ask ‘who am I?’ Until I suddenly realised that who I am has always been here, I just hadn’t uncovered her. I have always disliked what I saw in the mirror – and came to realise that this was because I didn’t like who I saw in the mirror. I had the belief (deep seated for most of my 51 years) that I was not good enough or important and I needed validation from others – praise for a good job from those I worked with – pandering from my husband to prove that I am important, acquiring ‘stuff’ to prove that I was as good as other people. I was afraid of attracting attention because if anyone ‘looked’ at me they would see me for what I am – not good enough, wanting – and then they would reject me. I thought that I didn’t have the life I wanted. My sisters are successful in their professions and financially secure – this is what life is supposed to be like, right? Well, I’m not successful in my career and I’m definitely not financially secure – again, not good enough. It’s only really since I had to leave my job through ill health (stress and depression caused by the job itself) that I began my journey to find myself – and it’s only in the last few weeks that I feel like I’ve properly moved forward.
About three or four weeks ago, I had a complete melt down about this – I was yelling, screaming, crying that I needed my husband to understand that I feel like this, that I needed him to see what was important to me and act accordingly because that was the only way that I could feel important or good enough. I had expectations about everything – and if they weren’t met, then that indicated to me that I was not considered to be important – and at that time, the pain I was feeling was almost unbearable. (This tirade lasted pretty much all morning!).
Bear in mind that I have been reading around this subject for around three years. I have received Reiki to try and unblock my chakras. I have learned meditation (not particularly successfully). I have joined psychic groups and undertaken energy healing. I have read books and blogs and listened to webcasts and watched videos to no avail – but somehow, this time, a wall seemed to tumble down and I was able to recognise that these feelings were not rooted in truth.
I have realised that I am completely good enough – because if I wasn’t I’d be something else – and as long as I believe that, it doesn’t matter if others think differently (though mostly they don’t) and what they think of me isn’t any of my business anyway! The only person that has to feel that I am important is me – and just because others don’t show me that they think I’m important in a way that I want them to, doesn’t mean that they don’t think that I am. But again, what others think is none of my business.
Much of the advice out there about how to have the life you want says to look at what our dreams are. I have tried to consider what my dreams are – but I didn’t believe that I had dreams (on reflection, I didn’t believe that I deserved to have dreams) – I have no desire to travel to distant shores, paint a masterpiece, be famous – I just wanted to stay at home and not have to go out to work to earn money. I wanted to have time to spend with my husband so that we could follow our hobby of birdwatching. Once I began practicing gratitude – looking for the good things in my life, I suddenly realised that I have most of this. Because I don’t work I get to stay at home and my husband and I have the time that we want together. The only thing I don’t have is an income that would allow us to do more! But, two dreams out of three ain’t bad!
Then I started to look at self care and self love. Again – when you dislike what or who you see in the mirror where do you find self love?
But then I turned it around and thought ‘what if – if I can’t love myself – I just act in a loving way towards myself? Be as kind and considerate to myself as I would to someone else’. And so if I catch myself being negative I ask myself – what would I say to someone else who was feeling like this? If someone else didn’t get their ‘to do’ list finished, would I berate them? I realised that I wouldn’t. So if it’s ok for someone else to be not perfect, then why not for me? Then, as I continued reading around this, I realised that most people (or women at least) seem to feel exactly the same. And since there is no reason for them to do so, then probably there is no reason for me to do so!
I also realised that not only did I speak to myself unkindly, but I also treated myself poorly. I believed that I was caring for myself by giving myself time to watch tv, browse the internet, spend hours on facebook – but I became aware that none of this was constructive – and it just gave me another excuse to call myself lazy and good for nothing. I’m coming to understand that self care is about things like – what I put into my body, how I make my body move, nourishing my soul and how I spend my time – and this only comes from feeling like you deserve to be looked after. I no longer try to block out unpleasant feelings of pain – I feel them – look them in the eye and ask them ‘where have you come from? What do you mean to me? What lesson can I learn here?’
When you feel like you’re not good enough, you think that you are the only one who does – my hope is that this will show that you are never the only one – and that there is a way through it when you are ready.
Please know that I’m by no means there yet – this website calls me ‘A Work in Progress’ – but that now, when that voice says ‘you’re not good enough’ I can say ‘actually I am!’ And when someone asks how I am, I can say ‘good thank you’ – and mean it!
This post is published as a contribution to Amy Palko’s Beautiful Beliefs Project. If you would like to know more about Amy’s Beautiful Beliefs Project, then click here Amy Palko or on the box – it’ll take you straight there!